Oh, boy, do I have a story for YOU

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With all of the health commercials flooding the TV because of the New Year, I felt like this story is very timely. I don’t know about you, but I don’t really feel the urge to be healthy at the beginning of the year because it’s flipping cold out and all I want to do is Netflix binge and eat to put more meat on the bones to stay warm.

But once it starts getting warmer and you can see sweet ole’ summer peeking its head around the corner that’s when I go into health overdrive and start getting motivated (too bad this doesn’t last long but that’s just another story in itself).

Well, one year, back in my college days, I wanted to get healthy for summer and look my best so what better way to do this than a cleanse! And not just any cleanse but the mother of all cleanses. The Master Cleanse.

Also known as the Lemonade Diet that Beyonce did back before her album Lemonade dropped and now I’m having an epiphany moment and wondering if this was part of her inspo for that album…

Most likely not but who knows!

Anyway, The Master Cleanse is simple and wreaks havoc on the body so why not do it? You drink “lemonade” aka Lemon squeezed into water, syrup (this is what sold me let’s be real) with Cayenne pepper. You can also drink herbal laxatives and mix in sea salt in either drink. Drink that and eat nothing for 10 days.

Now before you completely shake your head at me let me start off by saying I did a ton of research before I attempted to completely starve my body of any nutrients needed to survive. I watched Youtube videos, read reviews, and even bought a book about it! Side note: reading some reviews should’ve turned me away because I’m pretty sure these people feeling all weightless and euphoric was their body shutting down and on the verge of death. But I was determined at this point. I also hadn’t completely lost my mind and just start drinking this stuff one Day 1, you need to first ween your body off of food (naturally) and that in itself is 3 days of masterminding.

I started by removing any processed food and basically ate tuna and that was it. I ate something else but can’t think of it because this fiasco was about 7 years ago but a head’s up, where this story is going it’s helpful to know that I wasn’t replenishing my body with one of the most basic nutrients a human body needs: Water. Sure, I was drinking water but nothing more than what I normally would. I also realize that you are probably supposed to take some weird, black market vitamins that I never even bothered to look into.

I headed to Trader Joe’s and stocked up on my torture devices for the next 10 days: Lemons, lots of lemons, organic “Grade B” syrup, and cayenne. To this day, I still wonder if the cashier knew what I was doing and prayed for me to make it out alive.

The first 2 “wean-off-of-solid-food-you’re-crazy” days weren’t terrible probably because I had completely brainwashed myself at this point that I was doing this cleanse and there was no backing out now. Here’s where the story starts to get good:

Day 3

Okay, I got this as I said to myself which is something you tell yourself when you totally do not got this.

Day 3 is absolutely no solid food and just drinking freshly squeezed orange which tastes like pure sugar after the 2 days of eating barely nothing. I did find that Juice Stop had the best fresh squeezed orange juice btw.

So it was a Friday or Saturday night and I think and everyone had left school for summer break so there wasn’t a party I could miss (thank gawd) so I went to a Red Box, rented a couple movies to keep myself from thinking about food and GUESS WHAT ONE OF THE MOVIES I RENTED WAS?

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.

WTF. I blame the lack of solid nutrients in making me completely insane. I don’t typically torture myself I swear.

So just as you would’ve guessed, that night sucked. But as I got all my little supplies laid out for the coming morning and made my first cup of laxative tea, I felt a sense of excitement basically because I wanted to know what the heck that “lemonade” was really going to taste like. I think I did make a small batch that night just to taste and it was not that good. “Oh well, it must just be because I made a small batch and not the right amount”, I told myself. Yeah right, girlfriend.

Day 4, Morning of Lemonade Day 1:

(About to get TMI) I woke up that morning around 7 am and felt a huge urge to go potty and I’ll let you do the math on that one.

I’m feeling a little crappy, light-headed, you know, those types of things.

Then it happens.

I black out and start shaking and in my head, I know exactly what was going on but couldn’t control it: I was having a seizure.

A SEIZURE!!!

NO bikini is worth a seizure!! What have I done to myself?!!

Luckily, I survived. The Master Cleanse Gods rid of me and knew I couldn’t handle the suffering of Beyonce’s diet. I didn’t continue with the cleanse (finally, coming to the little senses I had left). After the seizure, I was extremely tired so I drank some water and went back to sleep. I woke up a couple hours later and drank more water and was careful to not just introduce junk food back into my destroyed temple. I ended up surviving and I can say that I felt pretty light and amazing. Minus feeling the diet grim reaper upon me during the seizure, I felt pretty cleansed if you will.

So here’s what I recommend if you decide to conquer the Master Cleanse…

Don’t Do it.

I could have just ate “clean” and drink water and green tea and would’ve gotten the same effect minus a seizure.